Ministry Job Hunting Is Like Dating
Originally Published 2/26/2015
I am in the middle of looking for a ministry job and in the process I'm trying to learn as much as I can. One observation my wife, myself, and my friends have made is that the process of searching for a ministry position is a lot like dating.
Let me explain. In both minister/ministry searches and in dating relationships we use language like "I found someone online," "When can I see you again?," "Wait, we just met and want me to meet your elders?" (bad joke). Seriously though, there are plenty of parallels. Sometimes when a ministry candidate like myself starts a conversation it might be a little awkward at first, but as the relationship with the contact people develops, there's a good thing being built. WIth others, you might feel that your first date was great and already you feel connected to the church/candidate. Like most of ministry, building these initial connections are all about the relationships.
Also, There are DTR ("Define the Relationship") moments when a church and individual need to express how interested they are in each other. Additionally, I've noticed that I bring my somewhat bad dating habits into the ministry search world. If you ask any of my previous girlfriends, you might learn that I was clingy, protective and at times jealous. (I'm very thankful that my wife, Jessica, is equally those things so we understand each other, haha). So even in the process of talking with churches I've caught myself getting jealous or protective of a position or against a candidate (as if I had some claim to it---ridiculous). At the same time, all of my ministry mentors have expressed the importance of exploring as many opportunities as make themselves available so I'm diligent in finding the best fit. However, I like the idea of being exclusive, so I've felt somewhat guilty for talking with multiple churches at the same time. Is that bad?
Last, just like in dating relationships, there is a natural progression that leads to one of two possible outcomes: there's either a breakup or the relationship goes to the next level of commitment (marriage with this metaphor). Here's a helpful reminder, no one likes break ups. I'll try to do my best in closing doors gently, and I'm grateful that so far my experience with churches has also been gentle. Really this is a dangerous business. There are so many emotional and attachment issues at play here for both the candidate the church. Consider a church visit. It's a test-drive, a date where both parties see if they have found a mutual fit. As a candidate, you put yourself in the position where you start to ask questions like "can I envision my family living/starting here?" or you think things like "I really like these people they care a lot about me". However, it's all uncertain. Even a good visit, may end in a closed door. There's so much vulnerability here on all sides. All of us need to be aware of that!
This metaphor could be extensively. Once a commitment between a church and a minister is made does the relationship become analogous with marriage? If so, what are those implications?
What are your thoughts here? How is a ministry job search similar to dating?